Today is the day

I started my period.  Here's the true test if this is cyclical or not.  I made a promise to myself not to bring up the past and dig up old dirt.  For that, I don't wish to write down all the horrible things I said or did in the past two weeks.

"You are who you are, and that's where you start.  Don't be dragging all that baggage from past PMDD episodes along with you.  Let go of it and start anew.  Today is a new day, today you are going to be good to yourself, if only for a few minutes"

It's only day 5 of getting back on the Paxil (feels like months) for i've suffered harder these past two week more than I can ever remember.  Here's the bright side:  AWARENESS.  This is where it starts.  I found myself in fetal position dealing with the guilt of my new found awareness.  I made calls apologizing to the people I love the most and hurt.  Amy, Mojo, Tony, Mom, Anna, the list goes on (shit, i still need to tell my sister i'm sorry).  These people hung in with me for years even before I was medicated.  They clearly see or saw something in me that was worth the abuse.

Jesse

I love living life to the fullest and grasp on to any and every experience I can handle.  I LOVE life.  My daughter, my husband, my family, my friends...  I left the corporate world in January to pursue a new career.  A domestic Goddess.  My husband brings in the paycheck.  I keep the house nice, take care of and spend time with the kids, run our errands, keep laundry under control, cook (I love cooking).  We are now (well then) able to really spend time together and enjoy life without the stress of us both working, both stressed, house is a disaster, and the feeling of failing at parenthood.  I remember feeling like I had this overwhelming sense of purpose (so much more than working for the man).  I was scared at first.  I ate, sleep, breathed wine.  All of my interests revolved around it.  Studying, teaching, exploring, traveling, reading, convincing people to be as passionate as I was.  I was afraid i'd miss the trips to California, Chile, Europe and being treated like a wine princess with the private tours and being given bottles of wine that was harvested before I was born.
It actually wasn't hard at all!  I don't miss it even for a second!  What's fucked up is I have box wine in my fridge, ha!  I really could care less about not being able to purchase a $300 bottle of wine a dinner.  I was afraid I wouldn't be interested in anything else.  That's absurd!  I found that i'm too darn interesting of a person to not have other interests.  I realize now that I was so passionate about it because I'm a hard worker and devote myself to my career.  I've worked since I was 14 with no break (like most americans) so the first thing I did was PLAY.  I've never been able to just play and not have  to listen to my phone notifications go off and stress about how to get my reps to work as hard as I did and go sell.  I was indulging myself in arts (weird).  I started playing piano again, I started singing (had no idea, with a little practice, i can belt it out), dancing in the living room with my kids, gardening (never had a green thumb or never had the time to try), reading fiction (i've only read books about marketing or wine in the past 10 years), and reaching out for some long lost friends that I never had time for.  Yesterday, I received an edible arrangement from a high school friend.  The card read "Sorry I was an asshole in 1999.  I love you."  We were assholes to each other and it dug at me for many years.  I missed her so much, I would dream about her at least a couple times a year.

Mr. Hyde

I've been on Paxil for about 5 years.  I didn't realize what was wrong with me then, all i knew is I was destroying every relationship around me.  I would get uncontrollably angry and push people away (not giving details for today is a new day but I was pretty much plain evil).  Well, I suck at taking pills and didn't take it everyday like I was supposed to.  When I felt bad, i took it religiously.  When I felt good, i would forget.  I was better in the way that a man was finally willing to marry me, I was promoted and promoted over again, and had (what I thought) more meaningful friendships.  But again, I didn't take it everyday.  I still had my dark moments and justified my thoughts by blaming others around me.  Well, I went off the Paxil cold turkey April 28th to try for a baby with my husband.  A month later, my entire family lives changed.  It was worse than I ever remember.  Maybe it was because I went off cold turkey, maybe the paxil was masking some other type of depression... i'm really not sure why it got this bad.  Again, I do not with to rehash the past but need to remember that my anger lead to violence.  It was like I was looking through someone else's eyes.  I would say horrible things and completely forget I said it.  It was like I was walking around in a dream state for two weeks.  Ok, not a dream, a horrible nightmare.  In these two weeks, my husband is confused, lost, and ready to leave me to save his own daughter.  I was so far gone, I even has suicidal thoughts just last Saturday.  The only thing that made me stop sobbing uncontrollably was lying in the grass, spooning my dog.  I must be pregnant...  if not, there's something seriously wrong with me.  There was absolutely no light at the end of the the tunnel.  

I started my period today.  TODAY i start tracking my moods.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I take the Paxil.  Every.  Single.  Day.  However, i need to really pay attention to my moods since the meds may mask some of my symptoms.  My husband hasn't left me yet and we are working on getting rid of all the negativity in my life that could possibly throw me into depression.  

• The bunny that my stepdaughter begged for but doesn't take care of and makes me feel sad
• I dropped a friend that has been sucking all the friendship out of me with no reciprocity.
• Drugs.  I like to smoke marijuana but I might have been using it to self medicate myself.  I also have a few friends that partake in harder drugs like cocaine, molly, pills, etc.  These friends are being dropped at this very moment.  I shall list them to remind myself.  Cheech, Chong, and Kill Whitey.  I'm unsure about Cheech.  She is a hippie pot smoker but she dives into meth when she's depressed.  ugh, I love her.  She never offers it to me and never will.  I'm confused about this one...
• My step-daughter:  No, we're not getting rid of her, ha!  But we are keeping our distance until i get better.  She makes me feel isolated, unloved, unwanted, etc.  She's 8-years-old and struggles with the divorce.  I remember being that age and being completely manipulative with my dad's women (and yes, there were many).  I simply suck as a stepmom and the feeling of isolation and rejection draws out My Hyde more than anything else.  I know i'm the adult and I fell stupid.  I try to get close to her but i've hurt her so much in the past she wants nothing to do with me.  I told her yesterday that I wanted to be her friend.  She says, "I don't want to be your friend and I want mommy and daddy to get back together."  I was not in the frame of mind yesterday to hear the truth and it's my fault for asking.  But hey, it's a breakthrough.  Now my husband can't say she's always glaring at me because i'm beautiful.  The truth hurts but starts with the truth, right?
• Fighting.  It simply HAS to stop.  ESPECIALLY in front of the kids.  We try to hide but they are now curious and try to listen.  My step dad told me something lyla said last night while she was playing with dolls or whatever.... "I don't want to be part of that family I want to be part of this family."  Scott asked her who she was talking to.  "Mommy."  AWARENESS.  No matter how much it hurt to hear she said that it's all about AWARENESS.  My #1 goal in life at this moment (besides getting better) is to NEVER EVER EVER fight in front of the kids.  I'm not even sure where there is a safe place to "duke it out" for they are sneaking around listening to the madness.

I started my period.  Is this this the end to Mr Hyde this month?  I need to be easy on myself and not assume he's gone.  I asked Lyla what she wanted to do today... anything.  She wants to go to Chucky Cheese and play the fish game.  I'm getting in a bath tub filled with lavender oil and starting my day with my daughter.