U.R.G.E.S.

Urges are like waves.  They gradually rise and build then crash, rise and build then crash, rise and build then crash.  Waves are continuous and inevitable but they never stay suspended in the air without crashing.  

I made plans to meet a friend out for karaoke last night.  I'm excited throughout the day for my long awaited meeting with one of my dear friends I haven't seen in so long.  Man, I miss her.  Then the evening comes.

• What do I make for dinner?
• What do I wear?
• What songs am I going to sing?
• What am I going to drink?
• Do I take my meds before or after I go out?
• What should we talk about?
• Is she going to be depressed/sad tonight?
• Do I want my husband to go or not?
• What if I feel bad and need to leave?
• Should I not drink?
• Will she be on anything?
• My stomach hurts
• I need to poop

Meanwhile, my husband passes a kidney stone all night.  I saw the Vicodin on the bathroom counter. He never leaves it out.  Unfortunately, I didn't let that wave hit the ground and I took one.

My lady shows up around 8:30 and we hang out at the house for a bit with the hubby before we left.  "Where's the wine?"  I had none.  I don't keep much alcohol in the house anymore which is out of character since I used to have loads in the house when I worked in the adult beverage industry.  

The bar wasn't crowded and just a few familiar faces, which was nice.  It's a regular date night spot for my husband and I, which I chose early in the day for comfort and a possible anxiety outbreak.  You never know how I feel at night...  We ordered drinks, put in songs to sing, and talked about her failing marriage.  This conversation is frustrating for me because I hate seeing her in pain and she refuses to do anything.  He won't get help/marriage counseling and she claims she can't divorce him because he'll take everything she's got.  She also battles with depression and recently went through a major job change.  It's all very painful for her.  She DOES do something about it...  She self medicates with Xanex and possibly last night, methamphetamine.  She was high on "life" and ready to sing and dance the night away.  

I started to crash.  I was tired.  Maybe I should have taken my meds afterwards.  I ordered a tall Redbull and vodka.  I didn't feel like talking to anyone.  Music was too loud anyways.  I started to feel uncomfortable, awkward and bored.  I know what to do in this situation.  I started observing and describing the people around me, the music, and my thoughts.  When I started to practice mindfulness, an overwhelming feeling came on.  That damn Vicodin!  I didn't even notice the affects of the drug until I was closer to wise mind.  

At that moment, all I could feel was the affects of the muscle relaxer.  The abnormal body sensations were annoying and almost nauseating.  My social awkwardness may have been due to the slurred speech, heart rate and difficulty focusing.    I decided to be mindful of what else my body felt instead.  I was drowsy.  Was it the meds or alcohol?  I had a sour feeling in my stomach.  Was that the redbull?  It was 11:30.  I've had enough and text my husband to come get me.  

My lady stayed and my husband took care of her when she was ready to leave the bar and go on a grocery shopping binge at 2:00 in the morning.  I used to put him through the same shit! 

Next time, I'm grabbing a shiny red surfboard and riding the urge like some beach blond crazy lady.  I shall rehearse her in my head before I need her.