The Anticipation

Catching Up!

The yard looks great and landscaping is thriving.  We even got most of the siding done on the side of the house this past weekend!  We had a great night with friends Friday (darts and karaoke) and Mojo came over for most of the day Sunday.  I forgot how nice it was to call her up and... she's there!  Even helped us with the siding.  What a gal!  :)  All I need to do is finish cleaning the house and get some groceries.  Starting the morning with coffee, blogging my thoughts and diving into the "self help" books Mom sent me.  Jon and I dove into "The Five Love Languages of Children."  Love it!  I need to work extra hard at filling my stepdaughter's love tank.  We think her love languages are words of affirmation and quality time.  What can I specifically do to fill her love tank?
  • Compliment!  Your hair looks pretty today, Your good at..., thank you for..., I love you's, 
  • Spend time together!  At least one game a day, shopping trips together, cooking together, yard work together

Is the End Near?

Checked the calendar today and looks like I've got about a week before PMDD Jesse rolls around.  I need to cook extra heavy this week and freeze.  Diving into my PMDD book next!

Research Results

  • Paxil does not numb me.  I still feel like Jesse.  Still an asshole around PMDD time but not severely depressed.  Never been physical while on Paxil.  Has only gotten to the point of throwing and violence with the ones who fought back.  My husband fights back with words but willing to try.  Does Paxil worth for me because of PTSD brain?  Need to take EVERY day.
  • Don't let the PMDD brain win.  It's not ME!  I am my own "Emotional Rescue."  If all else fails, think of our kids what affect I'm having on them.  Remove myself from the situation.  EAT.  Use my extras (B12, Lavender oils, take Ralf for walks, sleep, stock up on frozen food and all natural frozen entrees, read, pinterest, etc).
  • Communicate to Jon and the girls when it's coming.  Be open and honest.  However, it is my responsibility to control the urges to fight.  Be aware of irrational thoughts of loneliness and insecurity.  Its my hormones!  
  • The Paxil will pbly be in affect for the next "go-around" but remember to use WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.  I need to work on this love language more than anything else.  So important to my husband and step-daughter.  Keeping their love tanks from running on fumes will increase the chance of their support during episodes.  I love you, I love you, good job, good job, you look pretty, hug, hug, I love you, thank you, thank you, manly man, manly man, manly man.  Then walk away and go hide.  ;)
  • Try to think of what's good about Mr. Hyde:  Gives me the courage to confront what i've been avoiding.  i.e.  Letting a friend finally know I don't feel reciprocity in our friendship and being able to walk away from drama/negativity.  I was in the middle of an episode and my husband listened as I talked it all out.  The text was actually pretty coherent and made perfect sense.  My husband was also relieved for he thought it was long overdue and feels it's best I move on. Even though PMDD brain is irrational at times, it also might help me discover things that are digging at me inside and I need to address (When I'm feeling better).  Our marriage is a huge example.  The struggles of being a stepmom is a monster as well.  


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